More of Hogsback/ Land of the Faeries

View of the valley

Weekend in Hogsback

22nd Jan 2006 - Madonna & Child Waterfall, Hogsback

Email 4 - stuff

Dear friends

Just an update on the memorial service and whats been happening here in SA as promised. Hopefully this'll make it more real for Mike's friends who are still pinching yourselves trying to believe he has gone. I am still pinching myself and I am here!

When I heard that I wouldn't be able to see Mikey again, I could not handle being so close to where he was and I think Hogsback was the best remedy. Jodene & I drove up to East London(SA!!) for last Friday night, where we met up with Gary & spent the evening dancing in the local African clubs. We were a complete novelty being the only white people there and they thought we must be tourists, but we were proud to let them know that we were Africans, heart & soul, just like themselves. We decided to head for Hogsback (aka fairyland) the next day, with Gary. We stayed in a backpackers called Away with the Fairies, which had a view over a magnificent valley of forests, waterfalls and the entire fairy kingdom. We spent Sunday hiking to a waterfall called Madonna & Child, through the rainforests, and of course we had get under the waterfall. The day was filled with moments of sadness, fits of giggles, good conversation and mud fights, sunshine, rain and this crazy pretty mist. It was a magical day, with great company and so much beauty. On monday morning I heard that Mikey had died, and was obviously so sad. Although I knew it was gonna happen, letting go and actually realising that i was never gonna see him in body again was so difficult! Gary picked 2 arum lillies, one for me, one for Jo & took us to the Eco-shrine in Hogsback. We walked to the pond which is on the edge of the valley and in it were water lillies and loads of japanese koi. My dad used to grow waterlillies and breed japanese koi...I felt like he was there and we'd come to the perfect place. I left the arum lilly in the pond. A full circle.

Yesterday morning Mike's good friend and ex flatmate Lance said some special words about Mikey (or rather got the DJ to say them) on local Radio Algoa FM and chose out 8 of Mikey's ole favorite songs. Some of us friends gathered at Karls house to listen and be together. I can't remember all of the songs but there was Maroon 5 - Sunday Morning, U2- Beautiful Day, James Blunt- Goodbye My Lover, Counting Crows-Mr Jones, Avril Lavigne- Dam Cold Night...Karl taped it, I have a copy.

Just thought I'd let you know that the memorial service yesterday was sad but beautiful. There were surfboards, Mikey's guitar up in the church, a wooden cross with a gold ribbon on it, blue flowers representing waves and a beautiful projected picture of Mikey which just made me cry to look at. The family picked some music that he enjoyed in his last days. We were each given a rose and went to go put it in vases in the front of the church and say a little something to our Mikey under our breath. It was amazing to see how many people turned up and when his family commented on that to me I told them that that was probably less than a fifth of the people who'd have liked to have been there. The family has been through so much, yet have remained so strong. I want to say things to help them, but I don't know what to say. I hope my hugs are enough.

After the service all his friends went to the beach and his surfer friends all paddled out, as is done when a surfer dies, they held hands and had a quiet moment and let a bag of roses loose in the waves. They wanted me to come in, and for Mikey I did try, but I swallowed half the ocean and imagined i was drowning, since Debs & I were sharing a long board and trying to get it through the waves sideways, every wave just crashing straight up my nose and into my mouth...ha ha!! I think Mikey was having a good ole chuckle at me! I could just hear him saying "come on, don't be a wuss, you can do it Shazzie!", yet holding up the surfboard and helping me to get my balance and making me believe that I could do it. But I was scared, you understand Mikey! We all had a braai at Karls house last night and it was good to just spend some time together and talk about and laugh and cry at all the wicked, funny and incredible memories we have shared with him.

Jodene left this morning, I have been with her since she arrived in PE and was really sad to see her go! She has been so supportive and we're comfortable enough to just be plain miserable together, but she also has this way of lifting me up and reminding me that Mikey is actually still with us, just in another realm. The couple I'm staying with, Rob & Sheila Caterall, have been great and so supportive too. As have you guys via text and email. thank you!

I just got a text from Karl (Mikes best friend) this morning saying:
"Mike's last wish was that his ashes be scattered at supertubes surf spot in Jeffreys Bay. The family and I arrived here at supers at 7.30 this morning. It was off shore clean with four foot sets.Perfect as it was meant to be. Jason(mikes brother in law) and I paddled out. We laid some roses in the water for him and scattered his ashes at the top of supers at 8am. If any of you miss him you can come and sit on the deck at supers and look up the line to the top of supertubes, as there he is waiting for the next set. Karl. Please pass on to all his friends."

going to meet up with Mike's friends at Barney's now, some are heading back to Cape Town tomorrow so I want to say bye. I don't think I'm going to come to CT as I originally thought I might, I still have stuff to organise here and am looking after Rob & Sheilas guesthouse for the whole of next week, and am looking forward to just spending chilled days on the beach and by the pool before heading back to cold cold london. I know some of you have not been able to get through to my cell phone, the landline here is 0027 (0) 41-5860459.(guest house number so pls don't call too late)

Much Love
Shaz x

ps. I'm getting a tan....woohooooo!!!

Email 3 - Mikes memorial service

Hey guys

Mikes funeral service is at 3pm tomorrow (friday 27th) at Trinity Church in PE. Mikes sister suggested that all his friends who can't be there take a moment, either at a church or somewhere quiet tomorrow afternoon at 3 just to remember Mike & beautiful memories shared with him and say goodbye to our special friend! Take a moment to think of the family too, they need so much love & energy now! He has added his personal touch to the service, I will let you know details afterwards. It will be a very sad but special time!

I have been lucky to have Jodene with me since I arrived in PE and am staying with my "other parents", Rob & Sheila, who have been amazing. Although I wish Mikey were here with me in person, he will ALWAYS be in my heart and I will never ever forget his love and his passion for life. I have learnt so much from him and am fortunate to have had him in my life for the last 2 and a half years! As Kate (Betsy) said, we need to cherish our friends!

If any of you would like to say anything in the death column of the local newspaper the web addy is http://www.theherald.co.za/

I love you guys and am thinking of you all in this difficult time!

Shaz xxxx

PS Sorry I haven't got around to replying to personal emails, thank you all for your thoughts, energies, prayers and love.

email 2 - mikes death

Just to let you all know, Mikey passed away at 6 this morning. He's gone to meet my daddy and surf massive, perfect waves.

Lots of love
Shaz

Email 1- goodnight precious prince

Hey guys

I got to say goodbye to Mike last night, it was the last time the family was allowing a non-family member to see Mikey. I was fortunate enough to have 5 minutes alone with him and I just held his hand, spoke about good memories and gave him love and said goodbye from all of you, I mentioned how we'd all obviously love him to get better and that we are going to miss him so much if he goes, but that I also reckon there's pretty good waves in heaven.

I have been a bit angry at the family up until yesterday, since I could not understand why they were not allowing friends to visit, but I just realised yesterday that this is not a time for anger and I know that they are doing what they think is best, and I have to and do respect that. I don't think Mike would like everyone to see him like that in any case, he would want to be remembered as strong and independent. As Karl said too, Mike would not want bad vibes or fights or anger.. There is only space for love and peace now. I cannot imagine how unnatural it is for a mother to let her son go, who she carried for 9 months, who they all knew as their mischievous little son and brother. We can't ever fully understand what they are going through.

He is looking very drawn and is in a semi-comatose state. He is not eating, he is struggling to breathe and is not responding in any way, but I do believe he can hear. The family say you can see the tumours on his back through his skin when they wash him. He is still at home though, which i know he prefers to being in hospital. The family are very tired and sad, and have a lot of frights...times when he has stopped breathing for 2 minutes at a time. They all need love and strength to deal with this. It is just a matter of days now, if that.

Mike sent me a text on monday saying he was looking forward to seeing me, and he was still conscious on Tuesday...I wish I'd been a day earlier, but what can I do! I am so incredibly sad, this is such a hard time for everyone. I just need to let go and cling to all the good memories we have all shared with him. I feel privileged to have had the chance to say goodbye, it has brought me closure, even though in a sense I am accepting that he is gone and yet he is still actually breathing a 5 minute walk from where I am now.

I don't know what to say, just be strong. I mentioned all your names to him last night, I hope you can find some sort of closure for yourselves through that. I am very very sad, but peaceful.

Love you all
Shaz

Been A While...

Yeah, I know I'm a slacker. So much has happened that I don't know where to start, so excuse todays post if it's rather lame. I was going to include photo shots of the holiday season, but am still waiting for a USB cable for my camera from an ebay seller...hold thumbs I haven't been scammed.

First things first...I leave for South Africa on Tuesday evening(17th) for a month. I have not booked my return ticket yet, but I am almost certain I will return. Although I know it's going to be a rather sad time, I am looking forward to getting some sunshine onto this lily-white body of mine and cannot wait to see all my friends! TANYA...I hope you can take some time off work!!

Mikey is not well, his phone is unplugged mostly so as not to disturb him when he's sleeping, which i think is most of the time. His sister and her husband have flown over from Germany, and his dad and mom are there with him now too. I spoke to him for about a minute last week, and although positive, he is obviously very weak. Family members are taking turns sleeping in his room, to check on him in the night time. I have such mixed emotions about seeing him again. I'm excited and afraid and happy and sad and peaceful and angry and everything all at once. All things considered, I feel i am doing the right thing going to spend some time with him.

I'm gonna be staying with my "other parents", Rob & Sheila, and looking after there guesthouse for a few days while they go galavanting on cruise ships, celebrating their 40th anniversary!! Their guesthouse, Driftsands, is only a 10 minute walk from Mikey and a 5 minute walk to the beach...AND they have a beautiful rock pool to swim in if i just want to chill at home. I am so looking forward to seeing them!!!

Hopefully Jodene and I will be heading to the Transkei for a few days, to clear our heads, catch up and relax. Jo jo goes into her second year of law...how time flies!!!

Christmas was almost as miserable as i planned for it to be, although I did cook up a wicked feast. Dave came around and we drank wine and cried watching 'The Snowman' and ate till we nearly puked, and moaned about how terrible xmas is, and laughed at ourselves, and played bad music, and didn't give any presents to anyone... it was fantastic! Actually xmas isn't THAT bad, it's just kinda shitty when everyone does the family thing, or at least chats on the phone to family the entire day....i'm just jealous!

Speaking about family, I got a letter from my mom last week, a really nice one at that...so I called her 2 nights ago. I think I made her day even though i woke her up at 6am thinking it was 8am in Aussie land! It's great when I have stuff to tell her that she won't completely frown upon, I must be such a let down to her most of the time. Poor mother. I do miss her! Apparently the family is all well, getting on with trips to the beach and such (stuff we were certainly not doing 8 years ago when I was still in the plymouth brethren!) Sounds like my niece, Zenna, is a gorgeous kid, I wonder if i'll ever get to meet her. All the other nieces and nephews are growing up at the rate of knots, I'm pretty sure Michaela must be almost as tall as me by now....scarey...she was 2 when i left! One thing I do wish, a lot, is that I could somehow reconnect and communicate with my little sister Kerri. She'll be 21 this year, and not married yet...quite unusual for a PB girl! Do you think there's hope??

Where was I? Oh, on Boxing Day I caught a bus down to Bristol to visit an old school friend of mine!! Neil is now married to a wonderful girl from Preston(n.england), Sarah. They have been out of the PB's for about a year now and Sarah's brother, Clive, is also living with them. It was so cool to chill out with people I don't need to explain my past to, I had such a wicked week and never wanted to leave Bristol. Sarah and I really hit it off too, I wish I lived closer...it was wonderful to have girly talks and laughs and dress ups and just be comfortable silly together! It was so weird to see Neil after being that naughty little shit at school to a full grown and sensible adult, with a house and a car, etc! I was very impressed! Clive is a wicked dude too, and I am sad that he needs to fight to see his own children just because he has chosen a different way of life!

I try so hard not to say bad things about the PB's, because I do believe they have some brilliant morals/values and I had a beautiful childhood in so many ways...but sometimes I just wonder how I can always say nice things when in reality they are destroying one of the most important things in life...family! How can that be right? I don't think they know or understand the heartache they cause. Shame!

On New Years Eve I had plans to meet Somayya and her housemate & his friend to watch the fireworks at the London Eye and then I wasn't sure what I was going to do with myself afterwards so when Neil phoned in the afternoon to say the 3 of them were bussing it to London...i was ecstatic!!! So we all met up to watch the fireworks, which was unreal, I have never seen a show like that! There were thousands of people and the vibe was amazing, everyone was just friendly and happy...very unlike london, and a very welcome change. Was great to see 2006 in with Somayya too. Umm...the party continued at my house for Saturday night and the most of Sunday, and we were all wrecked by the time we finally passed out. It was great fun, dancing around my lounge to the sounds of any CD's i could find(my housemates were out), listening to Neil drumming on my Djembe, and generally being crazy. The Bristolonians slept over and missioned home on Monday morning, to set Tequila free(Clive's beautiful staffie puppy). I think it was my best New Years ever.

I paid for my new years liquid diet by getting a massive kidney infection though, and I don't think ice skating with Attila on Tuesday night, helped that much...but it was lots of fun, especially when the ice skate dude shouted at us for hanging onto each and speading around...i felt like a naughty schoolkid! By wednesday afternoon I was flat on my back for the first 3 days i was supposed to be back at work.

I didn't make any new years resolution on new years eve, but since my kidney scare, I have. First and foremost, I resolve to get healthy and fit and tanned this year. I resolve to be a better person...more understanding, less judging. I resolve to live more in the moment, let the past go and not worry about the future. I resolve to be even more earthy, spiritual and hippiesh and less rat racey, superficial and materialistic. But all I really want, folks, is ...world peace....he he he! F*ck that...world domination will do! It's pinky and the brain, la la la la la la... err sorry, getting carried away!

Nishimatsu(my work) has confirmed that they'd like me to come back to work for them after my month in SA. They have been understanding and I am a really lucky bum!! You know, I am lucky in so many ways!!

What else is news...well, as sad as I am to admit it, I am an addict of Britains Celebrity Big Brother, as well as Eastenders. What has happened to me?? I had all these theories about the idiot box, but somehow it has hooked me! The ways of the devil, ha ha! I don't think i've ever seen any of the celebrities except for the baywatch babe, since i never watch TV, so really the program is wasted on me, but I still enjoy it! I even find myself flipping away from nature programs when BB is on...seriously, what has happened to me? lol!

I have just finished reading the Da Vinci Code which everyone read moons ago. I must say it is a great read, very thought provoking, and if i was feeling more philosophically minded at the moment I'd go into it, but i don't so I won't. Don't think me mama would like that book much...hah! I thoroughly enjoyed it, and if you haven't read it yet, I recommend that you do!! I've now started reading the Tax Inspector, which sounds boring, but is like porn without pictures, absolute filth, but totally captivating. Don't think me mama would like that one either!

Dave and I went to watch Chronicles of Narnia on Sunday, which was so beautiful, especially for half children, half fairies like myself. I thoroughly enjoyed it! Sneaked into King Kong afterwards (why not make the most of the rip off movie prices?). King Kong not very children or fairy like though, more hardcore boy action stuff with pretty ladies with perky breasts and of course, King Kong. VERY sad ending though! Those are my movie and book reviews for the day, i'm sure you'll feel cheated at not having been there.

I have more news but can't think of it and it's hometime, I have spent the whole afternoon blogging since i have NO work.

If I don't blog soon it's cos i'm in SA enjoying the 35 degree weather while you freeze your little butts off in the snow!! LURVE YOU GUYS!