Email 1- goodnight precious prince

Hey guys

I got to say goodbye to Mike last night, it was the last time the family was allowing a non-family member to see Mikey. I was fortunate enough to have 5 minutes alone with him and I just held his hand, spoke about good memories and gave him love and said goodbye from all of you, I mentioned how we'd all obviously love him to get better and that we are going to miss him so much if he goes, but that I also reckon there's pretty good waves in heaven.

I have been a bit angry at the family up until yesterday, since I could not understand why they were not allowing friends to visit, but I just realised yesterday that this is not a time for anger and I know that they are doing what they think is best, and I have to and do respect that. I don't think Mike would like everyone to see him like that in any case, he would want to be remembered as strong and independent. As Karl said too, Mike would not want bad vibes or fights or anger.. There is only space for love and peace now. I cannot imagine how unnatural it is for a mother to let her son go, who she carried for 9 months, who they all knew as their mischievous little son and brother. We can't ever fully understand what they are going through.

He is looking very drawn and is in a semi-comatose state. He is not eating, he is struggling to breathe and is not responding in any way, but I do believe he can hear. The family say you can see the tumours on his back through his skin when they wash him. He is still at home though, which i know he prefers to being in hospital. The family are very tired and sad, and have a lot of frights...times when he has stopped breathing for 2 minutes at a time. They all need love and strength to deal with this. It is just a matter of days now, if that.

Mike sent me a text on monday saying he was looking forward to seeing me, and he was still conscious on Tuesday...I wish I'd been a day earlier, but what can I do! I am so incredibly sad, this is such a hard time for everyone. I just need to let go and cling to all the good memories we have all shared with him. I feel privileged to have had the chance to say goodbye, it has brought me closure, even though in a sense I am accepting that he is gone and yet he is still actually breathing a 5 minute walk from where I am now.

I don't know what to say, just be strong. I mentioned all your names to him last night, I hope you can find some sort of closure for yourselves through that. I am very very sad, but peaceful.

Love you all
Shaz