eyes tight shut

On Sunday while running to draw money at the ATM in the freezing cold in Clapham, I saw something that made me stop and smile, and reminisce. A beautiful little girl, hanging onto her daddy's hand, her eyes tight shut. Absolute blind faith and trust, that her father wouldn't allow her to walk into things, that he'd protect her against everything. Cheesy perhaps, but real.

I remember a time when i was like that. When i never mistrusted anyone, when the worst thing someone could do to me was call me ugly names, and even that I forgave within 30 seconds, without an apology. When I believed my parents were God, and they would protect me forever. As I got older i rebelled against their protection...now look at me... I can be bitter and cynical, it normally takes me years to fully trust anyone, my faith in humanity has faded, I hold grudges even though I say I don't. F*ck, I don't even trust myself sometimes. But there are times when I do trust, and I do have faith, there are times when I feel just like that little girl hanging onto her daddys hand, the only difference is i'm hanging onto something else, i'm not quite sure what it is, but it makes me feel strong and whole.

I wonder how different it would be if I hadn't rebelled. I would probably be a lot more naive, a lot more uncertain of myself, married off to anyone, since i didn't believe i was good enough to get who I wanted, I'd have loads of kids to distract me from self-reflection (or vanity..in erm..peeb terms), I'd still have guilt and issues with the person I am, I'd not have travelled anywhere (except for weekends watching the inside walls of a meeting room in a foreign country..if i was lucky), or been able to appreciate all the different places, people and cultures(except a few mtg related conversations with strange girls, who were either always fake, or just on a totally different level to me...."superior" maybe) , I'd still be asking questions, still not getting satisfactory answers, but I'd have learnt to brush it off and pretend it didn't matter. I'd have learnt to let somebody dictate to me..or would I ever get used to that? I might have finally learnt the art of accepting without question...although i doubt it. I'd have lost my ability to make decisions, or think clearly, or decide what i wanted. I would have become fully dependant, trapped, tortured, and worst of all i'd have learnt to ignore the call of my soul. For mine was always different.